A Hollow Gesture
by BarnabusBi11ingsley
Summary: Missing moments from "For the World is Hollow and I have touched the Sky" From Nurse Chapel's point of view. There will be more soon.


"What do you mean, he stayed?"

Nurse Chapel's voice remained remarkably even, but her hands clenched the edge of the biobed she was standing over with white-knuckled ferocity.

"I'm sorry," Kirk said quickly, before Spock could say something unintentionally insensitive. "But it's exactly how it sounds. He's, decided to stay behind. On Unada."

Christine glanced back and forth between the two officers, half expecting one of them to spontaneously declare, "Kidding!" while Doctor McCoy emerged from some hiding place.

"He regrets that he couldn't tell you this himself, circumstances being what they were…." The captain trailed off as he realized his words were having the opposite effect. Christine's face and neck were flushed red.

"He did send a note with me." An archaic piece of folded paper was held out to her, and she took it with numb fingers. At last, she found her voice.

"He's staying to die?" She asked plainly.

"It would seem so." Mr. Spock answered before Kirk could find a tactical way to phrase his answer. She glanced briefly at him before going on.

"He's not even going to try?"

This time neither answered. There was no point. She already knew.

For a second, it looked like she might cry, but all she said was; "That's it then, I guess. He's dead." She tucked the scrap of paper into her pocket for reading later, and immediately switched into work mode. There was much to do now that McCoy was gone. Once she finished with Kirk and Spock's return exams she'd have to call M'Benga down to sickbay. With any luck, they could hold the place together between the two of them, until….

"You'll both need to be examined before you leave. Let me get the technician." And she disappeared in search of one to assist with the exams.

Both men were at a loss as to what say.

As she had predicted, M'Benga had not been happy about being summoned into sickbay in the wee hours of his sleep cycle. Christine explained the reasons for his most unwelcome promotion to the best of her abilities. Officers of her rank were not privy to what went on during such classified missions as this one. Those that went were made to sign non-disclosure documents immediately upon return, along with the Command staff. There was much about her work that she couldn't tell her parents when they called on subspace.

Christine had quite a task bringing M'Benga up to speed regarding the day-to-day administrative duties that the chief medical officer was required to perform. It would take the entire return trip, during which the personnel officer would secure a replacement for the departed Doctor McCoy.

The bit of paper that the note had been written on was clearly torn from a larger document and he'd had to write extra small in a few places to cram everything in. She'd ducked into a supply closet to find a moment of peace. Fortunately the overheard light provided more than adequate illumination to translate the chief surgeon's scrawl.

 _Dear Christine._

 _You must hate me for saying goodbye this way, and I can't say I'd blame you, but believe me I never planned to have to do it this soon. I thought I had a year, but I guess someone else had a different idea. My only real regret is that I won't be able to say all the things I should have said by now, but that's the price I pay for how hard headed and cantankerous I've been. I'll do what I can with the space I have here._

 _Don't go home just yet Christine. I know you feel like you don't belong here, but I think you're wrong. You've got Starfleet in you even if you don't know it yet. Stay on this path, make Starfleet your career, and I guarantee you'll be the one giving orders someday. It's just unfortunate I won't be there to see it._

 _I wasn't a good husband and never much of a father but I always hoped I could be a good mentor. I guess I kinda missed my chance with you, but you can always talk to Santos. He'll get you everything you need to continue your training._

 _I know neither of us can get the kind of closure we need from just a note, but I want to assure you that I've found a peace here that I never thought I would experience. If I can have this for a year at most I know I can die fulfilled._

 _And for god's sake, loosen up from time to time. You think you have trouble making friends but the truth is you're just too damn frigid. If it hasn't worked for you so far, it's not gonna start now. Harsh but true. Sorry._

 _I'm gonna miss you kid. No one runs a better sickbay than you._

 _Goodbye forever._

 _Leonard_

She laughed bitterly as she crumpled the note back up. It was a sound she hadn't made in a long time.

That bit about being frigid! He was one to talk. The staff only hated her because she was a demanding boss, and it was Doctor McCoy who had praised her endlessly for her strict policies on conduct and discipline.

Angry tears threatened to form in her eyes and she willed them away. She was full of anger, anger at McCoy for giving up on living, anger at Kirk and Spock for letting him. They could have stopped him if they'd wanted to. They'd thought they were being so considerate to her feelings, but they could not know what it was like.

They'd gotten to say goodbye.

They had gotten to say goodbye and she hadn't. That, more than anything was making her angry.

Now she was being an idiot, and she knew that. What did the highest authority on the ship care for the sensibilities of the lowly lieutenant? No. It was Doctor McCoy who should have thought of how she would feel. Her only real friend on the ship had abandoned her. And she had such trouble making friends.

Only when she was certain she had control of herself did she emerge from her hiding place. There was so much to do with McCoy gone.


End file.
